Weird dream

I woke up from such a weird dream this morning. I dreamt we had a little boy and I named him Oliver. But I didn't remember the birth. I remembered contracting and waiting for an epidural. When I was finally aware they told me we named him Oliver, and I hated it. And we called him Oli. I was so upset in my dream because that was never a name on our list and I didn't want to call him that.

So yeah, another weird dream.

16w1d

How far along: 16 weeks 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Not sure, go to the dr on Thursday
Maternity clothes: Pants still, no tops yet
Stretch marks: Not yet
Sleep: Love it, still on my stomach too
Best moment this week: Made it through the past two days without crying
Movement: Not yet, really scared for it though
Food cravings: Nothing really sounds good, no real hunger either
Gender: Girl - LOVE her so much
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out: In
What I miss: being able to hide my pregnancy
What I am looking forward to: My 18 weeks ultrasound for more info
Weekly Wisdom: None here, still stressed to no end
Milestones: I look pregnant now

Talked to the Dr and have an appt

Ok, so yesterday I called and I made an appointment to go in and talk to a dr hoping to get some more answers. Well shortly after I got a call from my OB I had seen. He said he read the report but had not yet seen the images. I kept saying I needed more answers and he just continued with we have to wait and see. So I told him there was NO way I could wait another month before being seen. He asked me why I went in so soon when he has told me to go in a month. I assured him that it was the fetal imaging center that urged me to come in ASAP to know what was happening. I was so upset because they knew how early I was and that they couldn't see what was happening fully. So he said he would call them and he called me back.

So when he called back I was in the middle of crying, like balling and unable to breath. He was able to answer a couple questions and tell me I could go back at 18 weeks for the fetal echocardiogram. So I called this morning to schedule that. And they wanted me to wait an additional week. I flat out said no, my OB said to come in at 18 weeks. So she had to put me on hold because her dr wanted me in at 19 weeks. Either way I have my fetal echo set for 18 weeks 2 days.

Now my sisters sister in law is a Nurse down in Detroit. She knows this high rish OB down there that specialixes in birth defects like this. And he is known around the world. So she said to call them to get an appointment and if there were issues to let her know. So I am still waiting to hear back from her, but I really hope they can get me in. The recptionist at that dr office said to call back when I get a script and schedule an amnio and an ultrasound.

So we will see, but thats the update as of now.

Ultrasound Update

Ok, so the arm is still short, no forearm and she has two digits in a claw like shape. Workable

My amniotic sac has separated from the uterus, they said it can reattach but if it doesn't it can cause issues with possibly suffocating the umbilical cord. Also, my fluid is pretty low for this stage in pregnancy, and the sac is surrounding the baby more then the fluid is.

The heart, well it is on the right side of the chest and thats all they can see at this point. The reason, the diaphragm never closed completely an the intestines have moved up. There are also issues with the intestines, but I don't remember all of what he said. Now this is the biggest issue. It is causing the lungs to go to the right side. And there is a chance the lungs won't grow there, and if they don't start developing soon, the baby can't live. There is no fix if the lungs don't develop. There is also a variation in the spine it isn't straight, but almost hunched. They aren't sure if this is because of the intestines being forced up into the chest cavity.

And there is something wrong with the kidneys. One is large and they don't know if its because it isn't draining, or if its backing up into the bladder. The left kidney is small and they don't know if it will even function.

I am sure there is something I am missing, but thats about it.

I haven' cried this hard in so long. I am struggling really hard with what to do. They want me back in a MONTH. I think that is insane. Wait till I start feeling her kick just to wait and see. I just can't believe how much is going wrong. And my poor husband. I am here with family, he is deployed completely alone. He even works his 12 hour shift alone.

I am glad my mom could go with me, not for suport, but so she finally realizes how bad it is. I wasn't expecting this. I couldn't have imagined this many problems with my little girl. And no answers as to why. So at this point, I can't really think too much about it, I think I got out my crying today but I have a terrible headache and just pounding. I am calling the OB tomorrow to get in ASAP for some answers. We will see if I can get in.

So anyway, thats where we stand. The reality is if her lungs don't grow, she has no chance at living, you can't overcome that. And if they do, she faces a long road of surgeries, hoping everything is operable.

At this point, I am struggling with the best thing to do for her. I am not sure what to do. My mom stings are being pulled but so are my faith ties. I can in no way handle carrying a baby to term just to watch her pass. Its not fair to me or her. So I am basically a mess here for now.

I just wanted to update you.