I swear

This whole waiting to go into labor is way worse then waiting to find out if you are pregnant.  Holy crap its killing me. At least with waiting to see if you are pregnant you have a date as a deadline and a test. But waiting to see if this or that is going to turn into real labor - holy freaking crap.

Being a First-timer makes this so hard. I don't know what anything is thats happening in there. Today at the OB dh didn't think I would be dilated and I was just hoping for a 1cm. I was SO happy with a 3cm and 50% effaced - but how did I miss that? I mean really thats like 1cm away from what I was told active labor was.

Really? This is so freaking hard waiting. Im glad Im early and not late though.

37 week Update

Today was my 37 week appt.

BP was 125/88 a little high for me
HB was 132
Measuring good - she didn't give me the number

And the real good news!!!!!

I am 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. I couldn't be more excited. I have had a few contractions but not many. I am still losing tons of plug but no more blood.

So thats my update, hopefully I can let you all know when I am heading to the hospital. We are hoping he comes on Monday - baby Ruth's birthday.

OB appt tomorrow

Ok, so tomorrow I am seeing my OB for my 37 ish week appt. I am actually really excited and I hope they check me to see if I am dilating yet.

Today I am still spotting a little, my back cramps are stronger again and I am seeing changes in my #2 in the bathroom. it isn't what you would classify as diarrhea but its softening up and I have gone #2 almost every time I went to the bathroom today.

Just to be safe, I am packing my hospital bag tonight and will have it all in the car tomorrow. We are going to the OB around lunch tomorrow then walking around Bass Pro Shop. We love that store. Then Saturday we will be down that way at a breastfeeding class. PERFECT. Just need to get that in before the baby comes.

I still feel like I am looking into it all a little too much, but I'd rather be ready. My house is a mess and that whole nesting thing hasn't kicked in. Its driving me nuts because I want the house clean I just don't want to do it.

__________________

more?

I thought I lost my mucus plug yesterday. It was big enough that I believed it was the whole thing. So wrong. Went to the bathroom and lost triple the amount this morning. My back was cramping all night to the point that i was in and out of sleep but my cramps in the front have subsided today. I was spotting all morning as well which is no biggie.

The only thing that sucks, in Lamaze class the teacher strongly emphasizes this isn't a sign of labor. At least not a sign as in it can happen in the next day or two. It can happen, but not always.

Ok, so dh and I were finally able to dtd today, and when we got out of bed there was blood on the sheets. It looked like fresh blood. When I went to the bathroom there was a wad about the size of a dime (likely the mucus plug) in the toilet that looked like pure blood. Then when I wiped it was a huge gob about 3 quarters in size. 

I took a shower and lost some more mucus/ dh stuff and am wearing a panty liner. 

We didn't do anything crazy in bed and were in fact just calm and gently. So I don't think the blood is from doing too much.

But, should I be calling the dr about the blood?


I am cramping a little bit nothing too strong at this point.

Hubby is home!!!

And I couldn't be more excited. He is so freaking cute and totally weirded out by the baby moving. The baby has been a good boy and was active for dh to see and feel. DH is exhausted from the traveling and pretty tired, so we laid down to watch a movie and 5 and both crashed. I woke up and need to eat then will crash for the night.

My dogs are also so happy he is home. They have been glued to his side and the one keeps laying on him so he can't move. Its pretty cute.

No plans for tomorrow but he goes back to work on Tuesday (boo).

Decreased movements

Baby has FINALLY started moving again. The past week or so he has really cut down on how much he has been moving. To the point that I might feel a tiny movement twice a day. Well today he moved for a good two hours straight. LOVE IT!!!

I really hate days when he isn't moving much, and I hope he is active for dh this weekend.

20 Questions

What is the best decision you ever made?
To marry my husband

The one thing I most regret not doing is
Having more fun

What would you consider to be your dream job?
I have it, photographer

I wish I was more assertive when it comes to
listening, I used to be but I can't seem to pay attention anymore

The top three things I like abut myself are
Eyes, the way I care about people, and my photography

An area of my life that I am still working on is
my self esteem

The best vacation I ever took was to
Niagra Falls

Who was with you on that vacation?
Dad, Sandie, and Laura

If you could go to any restaurant right now where would you go?
Applebees

What would you order?
The apple walnut salad

Do you know what country/countries your ancestors came from?
Yes, Ireland, Scotland, and France

Would you rather live in a rural area, small town, or big city?
Small town or on a farm

How far do you live fom the town you grew up in?
2,212 miles

What circumstances led you to live were you are now?
The military then my husbands job

If you could get in the car right now with 3 days off, where would you go?
Michigan, but its too far

If you could go back and spend the day with one person from your past who would you choose?
Grandpa Burke

What do you think is the greatest invention ever?
Ofy asked me and I can't decide, but I think the car is a pretty awesome one, but so is the phone

What do you think was the most life changing moment in history?
I think the revolutionary war was HUGE

Whose life do you think you have had the biggest impact on?
My little sister Anna or Ofy

What are the top three things you hope to do before you die?
Publish a book of my photography, have a family, and to say I truly enjoyed life

Ruth Pregnancy stats

Dec 18 - HCG Beta 29, 
Dec 21 - HCG Beta 114, 
Dec 29 - HCG Beta 1000, Prog 15.58, 
Dec 31 - HCG 1615. Prog 40.53
January 8, 2010 - Ultrasound, 5mm baby and HR 90 BPM, 
January 15 - HB 141 YEAH, ordered doppler
February 1 - U/S looks great 174 HB
March 4 - Heard HB on doppler for the first time
April 18 - Ruth born 21 weeks

Angel Sayings

Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Last thing at night, send them love,
and with the dawn more again.
for the bonds will never be broken,
and that love will remind you
they still exist

God gave the most precious gift to me~ As He did so he whispered so tenderly, "This child I give you is not yours to keep, When I call her Home, please do not weep.

For I will take her by the hand, across my bridge of love, Together we will fly to my Golden Gates above, Where she can play in the sand, as soft as a sigh, The sun will always shine on her, in a summer blue sky, Her playmates will be Angels with gossamer wings, Her own spiritual mother, a sweet lullaby sings, I'll welcome home, this child, so precious in my sight, She'll be safe at last, a child of Gods light.

So do not grieve when the time comes, she's forever in my care, Behind Heavens Doorway, she'll wait for you there"


An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for Earth."

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it

DIY Baby legs

I have always thought baby legs were just absolutely adorable, so today I finally decided to make a set. I am obsessed with knee high socks, so I bought two pair today at Target, and I made my first two sets of baby legs. I did have a couple mishaps while sewing, but no biggie, you can't even tell. I really hope they fir my little cousin I am testing them on. I made one pair with a full cuff and one with a much smaller cuff. Not sure yet which I prefer.

Here they are. Aren't they just the cutest?

Back to topic

So I started this blog to have a place to "get it all out" about our troubles starting a family, but I also want to keep this after our family comes along. I want to document our life ana have our far away family feel as though they are apart of the everyday life stuff. I haven't given my blog address to anyone yet, but eventually I will. I still have a lt to update.

Anyway, I haven't been posting about our struggles yet, so I think its time I get back to the topic of the blog.

I have recently taken all of our baby clothes up to one of the spare rooms here. It is the ?Mirror Room" as we have labeled it. This room is the only one that touches our room, but it also doesn't get direct sun in the morning. I have already decided (for now anyway) that this is the room I want to be the nursery. In our last house here in CA, I didn't bring any of the baby stuff in. But it didn't help much. I just spend many days looking through it all in the garage instead. So this time, I am not holding back. I brought it all in the house. That WILL be my babies room one way or another, so why not put it in its place now?

But when it comes to baby things, I have an obsession. I can't help but looking through it all and thinking about my little girl or boy wearing that dress, or that pajama set. I will admit, its mostly dreams of a little girl though. Our first pregnancy I thought it was a girl, our last one was a girl, and well I have a TON of little girl clothes.

We have already chosen when we will be starting our next round of IVF, so now I look at each piece and think, will she fit in this one at the right season? If she is small this one might fit. I can't really help it, but it makes the days a little easier. Occasionally I will pull something out to donate to good will but for the most part the stash just grows. I also love looking at different coordination's of outfits to see what I like together. I even have been known to look at them and see which ones would be cute together, if we had twins. Obsession, I know.

But I really can't help it, its the only way I know how to look ahead at the future.

Lately I have felt cooped up in the house. For our Anniversary Tim bought me a couple new lenses for my camera. One happened to be a macro lens. This lens isn't for my business, but for fun. So I was pretty excited. So Thursday I decided to go out and have a little fun. But when I left the house, I ran into some bad weather. I didn't want to drive all the way out there for crappy weather. So I went shopping instead. Well after a few hours of shopping I decided to give it a go. I drove the extra 40 minutes to get to The Arboretum in Los Angeles, CA. I have to say though, I was a little disappointed. I couldn't believe how many of the plants and flowers were dead. So I walked around for a bit, struggling to get into the swing of things with my new lens.



I wandered the grounds for a bit snapping pictures but struggling. I couldn't seem to get the focus on and with the wind, it just made it harder. I didn't walk very far, and I looked at the map to see that the place was HUGE compared to where I had walked. So I think I will want to go back, but with better shoes for walking next time.

So at first glance, these are a few of my favorite shots.

Grey's Anatomy

This week I have decided to watch the seasons of Grey's Anatomy.I haven't ever seen it before and I am definitely loving it so far. I am currently in the third season. Although I feel like a complete dop laughing so hard alone, I don't mind being alone when I cry. Its about all I did yesterday. I can't stop thinking about Ruth.

Yesterday there was an episode that hit me. A woman on there was pregnant with quint girls from IVF. 4 had complications and one in particular was watched. She had the same heart problem that Ruth was diagnosed with. That one really got to me. Then today, another episode and the baby had a diaphragmatic hernia. Again I cried for Ruth and I think of what would have been. I know its just a tv show, but it gives me a little bit of peace. I am at peace with Ruth passing, even though I miss her terribly. Then today, a baby was still born, and the dr had the perfect line. She said "Good things should happen to good people." She was devastated over telling her patient their baby had died, because they were so happy to be having a family.

So Grey's, I have fallen for you. And you give me some subtle comfort.

Amnio results

So today I called the dr office about getting the results from our amnio. We had this done one month ago exactly. I have wanted to call the last few days, but by the time I remember it, it was 3pm here and then they were closed. So, today I called and got the machine so I left a message.

Anyway, so the genetics councilor called me back not even 20 minutes later.

And we have results.

Downs Syndrome

But its not a case of typical downs, that's why it wasn't found on the CVS test at 13 weeks. Instead of having an extra copy of chromosome 21, she only had some extra genes instead of an entire extra chromosome. The woman I talked with doesn't think this is something we are passing on though. She explained it this way. If we had this defect, we wouldn't be able to live with it. So that would mean we don't have the gene issue, so we aren't passing it on. The chance of this happening again is SO low. Mainly because it was a fluke when her cells were dividing in the beginning.

So its great to have an answer. We have to wait a few weeks still for the autopsy results but we are getting answers. We are really hoping that we get a good idea of all her issues inside because that is what was life threatening to her.

But for the most part, this just reconfirmed that she would not have been able to live had she been born full term.