So, today I did a free photoshoot at the local park. It was a way to help my portfolio grow a little. I had asked Tim if he still had a fishing license thinking he would like to fish while I took photos. Well he doesn't anymore and my first photoshoot had calcelled. Right when Iw as about to leave for my second one, he decided he would join me. He walked around and listened to his ipod while I took m photos. When I was finished I went to find him. We sat together near one of the smaller, less congested ponds at the local park, Floyd Lamb.
I don't really remamber the whole conversation. But when we arrived he said how it would be great to have a kid, he could walk around with our child while I did my pictures. I mentioned he could have brought the dogs, but he said how that was too much of a hassel. So we got to talking and he preempted with "now I want to save a little first, but how soon can we fill out adoption papers?" That was in the car ride to the park. I explained that someone told me that if you were married a certain amount of time you could file, even if you weren't 25. So I guess his walking around thinking was about that. When I did join him after the photoshoot, he said he wanted to start the papers once we were settled in our new place after we move. It was the first time he has come to me saying anything along those line. All this time I was worried I was more ready for this then him, but he is there, he is ready to adopt. I don't care anymore about fertility teatments, if he can fully accept adoption.
I am so eager to start the process now, I just can't wait.
But I am nervous too.
The darn baby fever. I usually don't have an issue around kids. I mean I think about wanting one but it doesn't hurt my mood. Well I'm staying with some friends who have two kids and its really hard. I mean we were trying before they got pregnant with their first (one month trying) and now they have a surprise second. I mean I am happy for people usually but that doesn't stop me from being angry with our situation.
I'm just so sick of the dr's, the timed sex, the emphasis on all the aches and twinges, people asking if were pregnant, and the utter disappointment I feel every month. I've given up any hope of ever getting pregnant. I start to wonder if I was ever meant to be a mom. If not then what am I supposed to do in life. I just feel sheer emptiness inside, a complete void in my life. I just dread the call for my sisters call, telling she is pregnant. I can't handle it anymore.
Even though I know stress doesn't help I can't stop. I am on "vacation" right now and that emptiness hit me today. Being around other kids just got to me finally. I think its mostly because people know I can't get pregnant and they complain about there kids to me. I don't know what they are thinking. Do they think it will make me not want kids? No way it just makes me sad. I would gladly take that.
Who knows anymore.
I just want someone I can talk to about it.
1. Why do you blog?
I love to write even though I am not very good at it. This is the easiest way to sort through feelings and document "us".
2. What was your favorite age to be and why?
25 - That is my current age. Tim and I have a blast being together. We have moved past the first few years of marriage where we struggled, we are still so in love, and we are comfortable together. I think its a comfortable age, not too busy, not too overwhelming.
3. What's your favorite sport to play?
I like to play soccer. I used to do gymnastics but many debate if its a sport. Gymnastics was the most fun for me, but I still struggled with it.
4. What's your favorite sport to watch, and who's your favorite team?
I don't watch sports, but I do love to watch the Red Wings play hockey.
5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money doesn't matter / the kids are out of the house) what would it be?
I have the perfect career (sorta), I love being a photographer.
6. Do you ever feel guilty for blogging?
Not at this point.
7. What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas. Cliche I know, but I love being with family, decorating make my home look so beautiful, and I really enjoy searching for that perfect gift for everyone.
8. What's your favorite kind of music?
Country or christian. I love the lyrics for the most part, and its about my music. I also enjoy some pop music but usually for the music and not lyrics.
9. Do you consider yourself a good driver or bad driver?
Somewhere in between. I am not a great driver, Tim is definitely much better. But I am not terrible. I do lack some in concentration and my ability to react could be faster.
10. What's the farthest away place you have visited?
I live in the farthest place I have visited. I mean I was raised in Michigan and I live in Southern California. We have driven back and forth on 3 separate occasions now. I have seen a lot of the United States through my car window at this point.
So because I am being sent to the RE the dr gave me all of my records to take with me. Well I am excited because I never got to see DH's SA only told it was normal.
Here is what it was, very interesting.
Color: Gray white-gray to translucent normal
Motility: 75% (70-90)
Volume: 5.0ml (2-5)
Viscosity: Semi Visc
Sperm Count: 58.9 mil/ml (50-160 mil/ml)
PH Semen: 8.0 (7.2-8.4)
EBC/HPF: OCC
Sperm Abnormality/ 100: 15% (<40)
Result comment: double head, coiled tail observed.
so overall pretty good.
So I am not sure why but I have always looked forward to giving birth to my child. I never thought about an epidural or any other drugs because I believed I could do it on my own.
The closer we get to actually getting pregnant the more I truly want this. I want Tim involved and aware of how to help with the process too.
I have always thought I would stay at home for as long as I could so I am not stuck in a bed. I want to be comfortable and able to move about.
Now that we have the military insurance I am not sure how it will go. I can only hope they will honor my birth plan. I want a drug free, natural child birth. I want my baby put straight to the breast not the scale.I just think it will make the expeience so meaningful (on top of what it already is). I would love Tim to catch the baby and hand it to me but I don't think he would ever go for that.
Anyway that's just what's on my head today.
