Getting Bigger

The baby and me that is. I think he had shifted to be more vertical so I can feel how tall he is getting. His head (I think) is whats up in my ribs making it hard to sit comfortable. His feet keep kicking me in the crotch and now on the bladder. Leiland never kicked my bladder and its an incredible weird feeling. Its almost painful and you feel like you might pee your pants without having any control over it.

If he is breech I really hope he decides to turn to head down here soon. I am going to start doing the spinning babies techniques each day and hope he turns here soon. I have a feeling a breech birth is not something my dr will consider.

Anatomy ultrasound

December 9th we did the anatomy scan. It was a little later then usual. My insurance doesn't pay for it till after 22 weeks and Tim was returning from deployment when I would be 24 weeks so we scheduled it for after he got home. So I was 24 weeks 4 days. 

Baby is measuring good and I think she said the 48-52%. She checked everything. 

Kidneys - good

Diaphragmatic hernia - none

Heart - all 4 chambers 

Brain - good

Lips - good

Fluid level - good

Hands - good

Feet - good

Chest - good

Umbilical cord - two vessels

So the umbilical cord is the only thing that isn't normal. It is common in babies with a genetic defect but having a clean report from the maternity 21 test "rules that out" so to speak. They said it's not uncommon but is something we will watch more closely. She said it can restrict baby's growth and lead to a smaller baby at birth. At 34 weeks he said they will start regularly watching his growth to see if it becomes an issue. My dr said as long as baby handles contractions ok that we should be able to keep trying for a vaginal birth and that delaying cord clamping is still possible and won't be affected. 

So over all everything looks great and he is measuring perfect. They said from this point on is when his personal characteristics will start to develope. So if he's going to be a large baby it wouldn't be till this point it would start to show. So I suppose we shall see. I am ok with a small guy this time. I just don't want it to be because of the cord limiting his growth. 

They also said he was laying transverse and I have an anterior placenta. Which was suspected because of how little I feel him move. 

I've been researching some about a transverse lie and how to help him into position. So I'm going to try and start that after this trip to Georgia the first of the year. 

27 week update

Today is 27 weeks. Holy smokes its finally starting to go faster. Next week we go to Georgia for a week, in February we visit family in San Diego for a few days, then it's less than a month till he is due. I can't wait. 

I weighed myself today and was at 190. It's really hard to see. I've only gained 10 pounds the whole pregnancy but it's still only about 12 pounds from where I was when I had Leiland. I'm trying to not let it get to me but its a little hard. Yesterday I tried on a pair of maternity pants I had been wearing and sure enough they were too tight. I can't even wear them anymore. Not cool. A lot if my shirts are already starting to ride up and show my belly now too. It's stuff like that combines with my weight that get to me. 

Overall I still feel good. My back hurts often but baths and icy hot do help. I need to schedule a chiropractor appt for when we get back from Georgia. Baby moved a lot and it much stronger. I love feeling him. I've started to feel him more in my lower belly lately. I still put my hand there every time because I can feel it so much better that way. He does crazy somersaults and squirms that Leiland never did. The other day for the first time I felt him actually stretch out. Last night I ate Christmas dinner and was stuffed till 10pm. He had been laying transverse but it almost felt like he rotated some. No idea on his position now but he feels more vertical than before and when driving last night I felt like I had to lean back to make room for him. 

Now that Christmas is over my focus is on getting little mans room ready. The other day we made a big purchase and bought his crib bedding. I wanted to make it but I just wasn't finding what I wanted to make it work. So I looked on babysupetmall.com again and found one I love. It was on clearance too. $70 for the whole set. That's an awesome deal. So all the presents are out of baby's room I can clean up the Christmas wrapping station meds and start getting ready for him. I'm planning to have Tim rearrange the furniture. 

I feel pretty good. I've been sleeping better with Tim home. No longer staying up till 1am but now crashing about 10pm and actually tired when I go to bed. Leiland is still waking at night (2 year molars) so I get up to get him. In starting to get uncomfortable sleeping. My belly position is much closer to a side position. Well my torso is side laying but my chest is on the bed so I'm kind if twisted. But my pregnancy pillow isn't offering any additional comfort. Especially when I have to get in and out if bed numerous times. I get too tangled. 

I've noticed having to pee more often again. I knew it would come back just hoped it would wait a bit longer. I feel like I can per every 10 minutes. 

So that's basically 27 weeks. 

26 week update

Wow at 26 weeks. It's starting to go by fast. Christmas is next week and I'm so excited. 

So my back has really been bothering me. Today I swept and mopped downstairs and I am so incredibly sore. I had to sit the rest of the night. I hated it but that's my new normal. I've tried baths and they help take the edge off but that's it. I have my pregnancy pillow a try but it just made me too uncomfortable. Tim, leiland, and the dogs all love it though. 

My belly feels huge. Failed my 1 hr glucose test so I'm doing the 3 hour test the day after Christmas. Joy. I hope I pass though. 

Baby is SO active now. Only when I'm laying down though. I rarely feel him during the day because we stay pretty busy. But a couple days ago I woke at 415. Couldn't fall back asleep and he flipped, flopped, and somersaulted for a straight hour. Finally I got up and went to the computer for 30. Decided to lay with leiland and try to sleep. Baby then started his acrobats again. He also does this every time I take a bath. Leiland never did that. 

I've been struggling to eat much lately. Nothing sounds good ever. Still no strong cravings either. 

I'm still pretty emotional. It's weird what gets to me these days. But it's almost everything lol. 

As far as my lady parts I'm starting to have even more discharge. I've had a lot this whole pregnancy but now I actually need panty liners multiple times a day. 

Gender Reveal

And the wait is over -

I see

We just woke up and are sitting watching Mickey. I have the laptop in my lap while I do my morning emails and Facebook and whatnot. I could feel baby kicking and then a good kick made the whole laptop shake. He did it a few more times before I moved the laptop to watch and sure enough I could see a kick. So awesome.

23 week update

Thanksgiving day and I am 23 weeks pregnant. That I am incredibly thankful for. I am also very thankful for feeling more and more kicks. I love every minute of it. We are finally over being sick for the most part. A lingering cough but otherwise feeling better. I've been cleaning like crazy getting ready for Tim getting home next week.

My belly doesn't seem any bigger but I notice I am gaining some weight. I still can't fall asleep at night which means I am exhausted when we finally wake up. I sleep on my stomach most times still which is the most comfortable position.

Really nothing has been going on this wise pregnancy related. I have my anatomy scan in just 11 more days. Can't wait to see this little guy again and how big he has gotten.

Baby is the size of a mango, just over 11 inches, and right about a pound in weight.

22 week update

Weight - 184

Feeling pretty good. Getting over a cold I've had for over a week now. I am sick of coughing fits and blowing my nose. I am best to be sitting on the toilet when either happens because well - I tend to pee a little. It's getting worse and worse as the cold goes on. Embarrassing yes but still true. Because I have been sick I haven't had a big appetite other than soup and popsicles. Also eating lots of hard candies for my throat and cough.

Baby has been moving a whole lot more and stronger lately. He also has the hiccups every so often which I don't recall ever feeling with Leiland. My belly is definitely growing, belly button becoming more shallow, and I am getting a few red spots leading to new stretch marks. I don't mind though, I have plenty already so why not add some more.

I have been sleeping ok this week and been exhausted from all I have left to get done. Tim gets home in 2 weeks and I have so much left to do.

I have listened to the HB a few times lately, and Leiland loves it so much he now brings me the doppler to listen to brother. Its the cutest thing ever. He has a new boy baby doll as well which he loves so much. He also likes to hug and kiss my belly/ his brother. Its really cute. If I am rubbing my belly he comes over and rubs too.

Its really starting to cool off here finally and I broke down and turned the heat on downstairs today. I find I don't really like my maternity clothes a whole lot lately, so I am living in my black comfy pants, sweats, or jammies. Not sure what I will do for a winter coat this winter either.

It's crazy to me that I am 22 weeks. I feel like I have forever to go but at the same time I can't believe I am already this far already. The baby is about the size of a papaya (10.9" from head to heel).

Cravings lately have been limited to chicken noodle soup, salty foods, and fruit smoothies. Today I made some pretty awesome sweet potatoes that were incredible so I just might need to make some more. Potatoes and fruit as the most consistent cravings I have had this pregnancy. Sweets are not hitting the spot either. Leiland still craves pizza - its a food group to that kid.

More Movement

I've noticed a LOT more movement over the past few days. Its still light but much stronger then it was, and much more often. Makes me happy. Some women complain about how much their baby moves and I just crave it. I love feeling movement, did the whole pregnancy with Leiland. Not long and we will be seeing some kicks from the little man.

21 week update

21 weeks today. I was a little nervous coming into this week just because 21 weeks was when Ruth was born. I still don't feel him move a lot and still worry about him here and there. It will pass but for now we move forward.

 Weight - 183.6 - up 3.6 pounds this pregnancy.

 I feel good. I have still been getting heartburn and nausea that make it nearly impossible to eat. I've taken tums a few times and sometimes the help others not at all. I try to eat but food just never sounds good. I don't want to cook because I end up throwing so much away because I just can't eat it. Even a lot of cereals don't sound good. Apples are pretty good to me though, they always hit the spot. And salty chips.

 I am to the point that I get winded easily already. Going up the stairs or talking while doing too much. Its too early for this, I have a LONG way to go still. I don't feel like my stomach is getting big. I just feel fat most days. Compared to Leilands pregnancy I don't think I am any bigger than I was with him. If anything I am smaller.

 I have started nesting. All I want is the house to be clean and organized. I wish I had the energy to match the desire. Leiland is moving to the spare room and I am almost done getting his stuff moved over. The baby has his NB and 3m clothes hanging in what will become his room.

 According to the app on my phone the baby is the size of a carrot. About 10.5" from head to heel. That seems so big.

 I really don't have anything to report this week. Not much happening.

Yay technically half way there. As long as I don't go overdue like I did with Leiland. I'm excited to say I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move last night and today. It's hard to tell and not very often but I'm pretty certain it's him. Can't wait to really feel him good. Belly is growing. I am terrible at taking pictures this pregnancy. My stretch marks are just about flush with my skin and stretched out. My belly button is getting more shallow by the day it seems. I'm certain my belly button will stick out much sooner this time. I'm curious if ill get a lot more stretch marks this time. I honestly don't care if I do. I feel pretty good. Sleep on my belly still. Pee less often then those early 16ish weeks. Can eat. I have begun getting heartburn though. I guess if its not one thing it's another. I wish I could sleep in. I have had a better time falling asleep and that's been much needed. Leiland teething though is kicking my butt. And he wakes at least once a night right now. I don't really crave any one item yet. I will crave a food but almost always when I get it it just doesn't hit the spot. Like Applebee's chips and salsa. Or my BBQ chicken salad I got yesterday. I don't know food just lost its appeal. I did eat a fantastic grape Popsicle today. That hit the spot. I need to freeze some oj and eat that. It's always a favorite. Not too much happening here though. Acne is getting worse, constipation slightly better, still able to sleep and trying to cherish it. I feel like ice been nesting a lot lately. More so than I even did with Leilands pregnancy. And way earlier then I k we was possible. Problem is I just don't have the energy to keep it all up. I already get tired so quick. I've been working on Leiland coming down the stairs on his own. He wants me to carry him especially when he's just woke up. I get it but its also pretty hard for me. As is going up holding him. He's almost 28 pounds now. Tim will be home soon and I'm so excited about it. Can't wait to have him within reach again. Less than a month.

Today's appt

19 weeks 6 days Hb sounded great and we could hear him kicking. BP 116/80 Weight 184.4 pounds. Leiland weighed 27.8 pounds

19 week update

Wow I can't believe next week will be the "half way" point. I don't know my weight. It's been about a month since I checked it. My appetite came back then the last two weeks we've been sick. Normally it doesn't affect my appetite but it did. And now I'm nauseous again. All day the past couple days. One day ill enjoy food again. My belly is growing but I feel like its slowed down. My boobs feel bigger and are still sore. I don't feel movements yet. I keep thinking it could be him but nothing. I push on my uterus to try to get him moving and no luck. I do have a spot on the right side though that hurts when pushed. I want to ask my dr about it because its hurt for awhile now. I don't seem to have to pee as often. I think because he's moved up some. I still sleep on my tummy and that's the best position. My exhaustion is gone now too and I'm very grateful. While we were gone for our 3 week trip I was so bummed not to have my Doppler. So the first night home (3 nights ago) I was so excited to sit and listen to him. We've started discussing names but that's going to take awhile I think... I'm so indecisive. Anyway not much else to report. Overall I feel good. Can't wait to feel kicks though.

We're home

Our 3 week jaunt to visit friends is over and we are both pretty happy to be home. We drove to Vegas, flew to Fargo, visiting Connie and the kids for two weeks, flew back to Vegas, spent a few days, and drove home. 3 weeks is really long to be gone. I've missed my bed, and my animals. It was so good to cuddle them all once we got home. Leiland was even really excited to see them. For 3 weeks Leiland and I have shared a bed, so tonight is the first night back in his own bed. Even since Tim deployed he wakes at least once a night and usually comes to our bed. Since he already has to readjust to being home and in bed without me, I am taking this time to try and reestablish him sleeping the whole night in his bed. I love cuddling him but I would rather he get a better night sleep and I want the bed free when its time for baby to join. Leiland had a great trip overall, however we both got sick a week in and its still going. He has also been teething hard core and got his first 2 year molar to break through the gums. Two more are making good progress and one is just waiting (he always has slower teeth in that spot on the top right). So pictures are to come, but for now we rest, and clean the house. I still need to unpack.

16 Week update

Oops just a day late. We're out of town this week and next so I missed my day. No biggie. Feeling great and sleeping better. Last night had horribly vivid bad dreams which kept me up but till got more sleep then I have recently. My appetite is definitely back. I didn't eat much traveling though. Everything I tried made me want to puke. But since we have gotten to my friends I have been able to eat just fine and above normal quantities. I feel huge. Don't have a weight check this week but wearing maternity tops and bottoms now. I am dying to feel this baby move. Before my bad dreams last night I had a dream I could feel movement. Man I wish that had been true. Not much to report really.

It's back!!!!

My appetite that is. Felt good to actually be able to eat today. I had 4 waffels for breakfast, a full size salad at panera, then I had a snack on the drive home, and a 6" sub for dinner. I am ready for a snack too. This is probably more than double what I have been able to eat these days. Felt great.

15 week update

Some days I feel like this pregnancy is taking forever and others I am shocked I'm already x weeks. Today marks 15 weeks. YAY. For the most part feeling great, but the past few days getting nauseous. Both because I'm hungry, and also making it impossible to eat certain things. Today I went to eat lunch and once it was in front of me I just struggled to take a bit. I only are about half and had to force myself to eat that much. Could be worse I suppose. I still pee like a race horse. I don't know why I have to go so often and it hurts SO bad to hold it. Pretty sure people think I am nuts. At dinner last night I had to go 3 times while we had dinner in front of us. Oops. Oh well though.

So I weighed myself this morning - 178.8 so still down 1.2 pounds but slowly climbing back to my starting weight. Not worried about that at all. I think thats pretty good. I think that puts me about the same weight at this point with Leiland. Just with him I started at 170 not 180. Either way looks good at the moment.

Tomorrow is my elective gender scan. 15 weeks and 1 day. I can't wait to see for myself what this baby is. Even though I have already been given the blood results from the maternity 21 test.

Still no feeling baby move. That is the part I am most excited for this pregnancy. I have seen how active this kid is and I just can't wait to feel it for myself. I absolutely loved it with Leiland and he moved so little. This one I know will be more active.

My back has been bothering me for a few days now. A warm bath didn't help any and I don't really know how else to help it. I am going to try and get in for a massage but not sure if I can make that work. I really struggle to carry Leiland now, but he is getting better walking places and holding my hand if its not too far. We are working hard on walking and listening while going through a store. Some days I just don't' have the patience to deal with taking twice as long on a shopping trip. So he goes in the cart per my request.

I have noticed my sense of smell is definitely stronger. Lets just say my toilet is cleaned more often and the trash emptied more frequently. I just can't stand the smell of either. Oh and milk gone bad? Make me puke.

I was really constipated for a couple weeks, but it seems a little better this week. Drinking water and upping fiber gummies isn't helping ANY.

I definitely think my belly is getting bigger. Forgot again today to take a picture, so I will just take it tomorrow a day late. No big deal I suppose. I am in maternity pants now and some tops. I don't have much for short sleeves and my shirts ride up real bad, so this weekend I am headed to motherhood maternity.

Thats all I really have for now. Not too much to report. I have my OB appt Tuesday and I will update after that.

2 year molar progress

I feel like poor leiland has been working on these two year molars forever. Today he's super cranky so I checked them out and found progress. His left side has been farther along then the right side for awhile. Today I could actually feel the tip of one of the cuspids right at the surface. It hasn't broke through just yet but I can actually feel it. No other have made noticeable progress but this is a big deal to me. I hope they come quick. His left side always gets them quicker where the right side tends to lag and take forever to fully come through. 

MY Pros and Cons of baby wearing

So, Leiland is now 2 years and 4 1/2 months old. I still wear him on occasion and I do love it.

My only carrier with him as a newborn was a moby style wrap. Its a stretchy wrap. It never bothered me having to wrap it, pretty easy. I liked that I could wear it to a store and just load him in when needed. I didn't like wrapping it in a parking lot because I could never keep the material off the floor. The downside to that style wrap for me was Leiland would sweat like crazy in it. He was a hot body as am I and I wanted to use it more then I actually could. I also had a lot of issues with my chunky boy sinking. I could start with him up high when I started a trip in Joanns and by the end he was down a good 18-20 inches lower. So that was disappointing to me. I did also like the option to face him out in that carrier and be able to build him a seat so the pressure wasn't on his hips. Thats the big reason most new carriers don't forward face, it is terrible for their hips.

The other carrier I love is my ergo. They are pricey but worth every penny. I have been using it since he was about 4 months. I never bought the infant insert for it and his couldn't open his hips well so I would wear him on my hips. That works for me. As he got bigger he did continue to love it. I liked that it didn't bother my back. I can also wear him on my back and I'd say since 18 months thats the only way I wear him anymore.

Ok so my cons to baby wearing.
 - As he got bigger wearing him on my front became hard because his head was in my face making it hard for me to see. I photograph a lot and it definitely interfered a lot.
 - I still get scared putting him on my back. Its not comfortable to me putting him back there, I always worry I might drop him.
 - I can not carry a diaper bag. Or a purse. The shoulder straps always interfere with me carrying our stuff. Its frustrating. If I wear him in somewhere like target I can just throw it in the cart, but if I go somewhere like the mall, I have no way to really carry my stuff. I think this is my biggest con. AndI found with Leiland I mostly wore him outside the house. I have a feeling the next baby will get more baby wearing in the house. Since well we have a toddler to entertain and take care of.
 -

PROS of baby wearing
 - I love carrying my baby around. I never liked putting Leiland down and sometimes I just needed more close time.
 - Great for a fussy baby
 - GREAT for reflux baby. Leiland puked so much and always preferred upright. So wearing him kept him in the upright position. That was great for us.
 - Hands free - very nice when you have a sick baby who won't let you put them down. I loved that if he was sick and I just HAD to do something, I could still have him with me.
 - Easy bonding for mom or dad. In the beginning its what they know to just go with you everywhere and constantly be moving.

For me I will keep baby wearing. I think this next time around I will also add a nice ring sling in the mix. I have a mesh one for showers and swimming, but I will get a real one this time around. I love carrying my baby and still do it while pregnant. Leiland also loves it still. I can tell when we get to a store if he will be good in the cart. If he throws a fit going in then I ask if he wants to go on my back. Usually its a yes. He doesn't like my front anymore because he likes to be up higher to lay his head on my shoulder. And he can't do that with the ergo. No biggie though.

Maternity 21 results

So two weeks and two days ago I took the maternity 21 test. It's super simple to do and take two weeks for results. Awesome. I knew I'd have my nt scan before the results but wanted the test anyway.

Today I called and the the results are all negative. Yay. I knew things were ok because the nt scan went great. 

Then there is the gender. I did ask. And I've read a few things saying the earlier you do the test the more likely it is to be inaccurate for gender. But I think that's more in regards to girl results vs boy results. Not sure though. 

Anyway our results are in and it said we are having a 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

!!!!! BOY!!!!!!!!

I'm not shocked. I had boy feelings off and on. And two dreams where I had another boy. 

14 week update

I feel great. Nausea still hits but much less often. Not eating causes headaches really bad. I swear when Leiland was a newborn I never forgot to eat but man now with him as a toddler I constantly miss meals. I am still struggling because food just isn't appealing either. I crave salads but that's about it. At least consistently. Some days I crave KFC and others I crave fruit. Who knows. 

I didn't weigh myself today but I will tomorrow. I haven't tried my non maternity shorts back on since Yosemite. It's finally beginning to cool off so I will likely move right to maternity  jeans. I've been wearing a few maternity shirts because mine all creep up exposing my belly. Blah. 

I still pee like crazy. Some women tell me it got better for them around 16 weeks. I sure hope so. I've been able to sleep a little better and had some more energy. In sure it's a combination of second trimester and better sleep. Don't care though I will take it. 

My uterus is growing. Always amazes me. I read today that baby is the size of a rubrics  cube. Crazy to me. It's like 3.5"? Somewhere around there. Seems so small and yet so big already. I can feel my uterus really well now. I can't wait to feel baby kick. I know it's an active one so we will see. 

Everyone still keeps guessing its a girl. Everyone. But I'm surprised I don't have that feeling. I away between having no clue and thinking boy. We shall see. 

14 weeks and I feel great. Love being pregnant. Can't wait to see this one in the next ultrasound.

Used the doppler

I came up to go to bed and decided to look for baby's hb real fast. Did it before peeing to see it if that helped any. Don't think so. It oil me forever to find it. When I finally did I had needed more gel because it took so long. Anyway I counted it out to be about 150 BPM and the display was reading 153. So pretty accurate. It was still pretty quiet and is very low still. 

My placenta is on the top on my uterus so I think I need to be straight on with it and not coming in from the top. Either way I feel better having heard it now.

13 week update

Holy cow we are at 13 weeks. That's nuts to me. Many sources site this as the beginning of the second trimester. Ill take it. I can feel my uterus growing. Overall I can feel my energy slowly returning and nausea becoming mostly less and less. Pop that used to help it now seems if I have too much it makes it worse. I've had a couple days of gas and stomach pains. It's constipation. It happens rarely but I'd say about 5 times every pregnancy. Maybe a little more with Leiland. Nothing I can't handle. I have this slight bit of nesting. I think. It's just from the little more energy I've been feeling. My boobs still kill. Especially my nipples. I'm also noticing its starting to hurt to lay on my belly. Boo that's all that's comfy. Or least used to be.

I used my Doppler a couple days ago to hear the hb. I love that I can do that whenever I want. Took me a minute to find it but it was there. According to my app the baby is the size of a tangerine (2.5-3") and is growing now at the rate of an inch per week. That's just so amazing. Hopefully I can feel this baby kick soon. I'm assuming in a month or so. 

We miss Tim terribly right now. I'm still having a tough time falling asleep even when my eyes burn to keep open. It's really hard. I have crazy dreams when I get good sleep though. And I've had at least three that I remember where I gave birth to a boy. Not once have I had a dream this baby was a girl. Never know though. 

I should know gender in two weeks though. But my lips are sealed till I can tell Tim. 

I think that's it for now. Nothing too important. 

Oh and weight has steadied off about 178. 

12 week update

12 weeks is finally here. 2 more weeks till the second trimester I think. At this point I haven't gained any weight (what I did gain is now gone). I am noticing some belly changes though. I haven't finished all my laundry from camping, so my shorts are still dirty, so this week I have been wearing maternity pants. I plan to try on all my maternity clothes tomorrow to see where I stand. I think I need a couple shirts but should be good on bottoms.

Not a whole lot going on right now.  Time to get the house in order now that Leiland feels better. I hope I will start feeling a little boost here soon. Still getting a little tired, struggling to fall asleep, and still get nauseous. I can't wait to feel this baby moving. Every ultrasound is showing a very active little one, and I just can't wait to feel little baby bug.

Still not feelings if its a boy or a girl, but I am dying to know. I hate calling it an it, and at the scan today I kept calling it a he. I just want to know. Everyone keeps saying its a girl, but I just don't know, you know?

I've really been enjoying my delicious lemonade lately. Saltine crackers really help the nausea. Pizza can still make me nauseous at the sight. Meat is not appealing what so ever. And yesterday I had tomato soup - PERFECT. It was seriously the best meal I have had in awhile.

NT San results

Today was the big NT scan. I was SO nervous this week, couldn't eat this morning, and so nauseous today. But I made it ther ein time, and everything looks great. The NT measured 1.7mm. Baby was so active and squirmed SO much. So sweet I loved it. The HB was 161 bpm and just a joy to watch. Can't wait to finally know what this baby is so I can start using he and she because I hate saying it.

I was so thankful today a friend of mine came with me. I was far too scared of facing negative results alone again. Im very lucky and grateful she could join me.

11 week update

WOW can't believe its only one more week till my NT scan. I was feeling fine till Tim told me he was nervous. So now I am anxiously awaiting my scan in a week just to see. Two more weeks till we are into the 2nd trimester. Even though I know this isn't "safe" just because you make it to 13 weeks, well its closer. My first loss at 16 weeks was really hard, and in 3 days it will be 9 years. As far as symptoms this week- week and a half - LOTS of nausea and sore boobs. I am not as tired right now, but I am trying to make my self go to bed when I am tired. I lost a little weight I am sure its because of the nausea. I am just back to my starting point of 180. Nothing to worry about. My body can handle to lose a little. I think next week I will start taking belly pics. I am getting bigger but not noticeably. But pants don't fit the same so I am getting bigger. I have tried my home doppler twice now and still no HB to hear on my end. I have an OB appt Monday so I am hoping they can hear it.

10w1d Ultrasound Appt

Everything looked great. Baby is still measuring 3 days ahead and the heart was beating fast. The settings on the machine were all wonky so we couldn't measure it, but we saw it thats for sure.

In the video you can even see the little doodlebug wiggling all around, it was amazing. I am still so surprised and happy things are going so well. Next appt I believe is my NT scan then I have one at 12 weeks with the OB. Holy cow I can't believe that.

Very happy to be finished with my shots. When we were camping last week I only managed to take 3. Oops. But all is fine. My rear needs some time to get feeling back, but for now I am pretty darn happy.

Cramping

I can't believe it, but I got really nervous about being super crampy the past two days. Both on the front and my lower back. So this morning I called the dr to see if I could get in. They saw me at 1:30 and all is good. Not sure what causing the cramping, but I think its just growing.

Little doodlebug is measuring 9w0d and I am currently 8w4d and the HB was 182. What a little overachiever this one is already. I feel much better leaving for camping knowing everything is going ok.

Here is the video I took. The Adenoma is what he goes to on the right side.

7w1d Appt

Todays appt went great. The dr was a little late but thats ok. We got in, and Dr Q mentioned my pregnancy glow. And really I was glowing. I've had a good feeling about this all and the nausea/ exhaustion just reconfirms it all.

So we did the ultrasound and baby looks great. Yes baby, just one. I was a little sad for .2 seconds but so happy to see my little doodlebug in there moving around. HB was 138 bpm and measuring exactly 7 weeks and 1 day. PERFECT since thats where I am. So happy.


I recorded the ultrasound a little to share with Tim.
http://youtu.be/rccYFX-Q4KY

Shote U/S Video

7 weeks

7 weeks today - and feeling good overall.

I am tired, a lot. So much more then with the last pregnancy and we were driving cross country then. Leiland doesn't let me sleep in, but he lets me rest in the morning. If I don't have enough sleep I notice my nausea is terrible. The couple times I have had good sleep then I have no nausea till bedtime (when I'm tired). Last night I couldn't sleep, so Leiland cried and I brought him to bed to snuggle. Having him there makes it so much easier for me to sleep. I don't usually have this much trouble sleeping when Tim is gone. But I think the combination of being pregnant tired and not sleeping is whats hard.

Tomorrow is my ultrasound and I can't wait to see this little doodlebug. Praying so hard we see a heart beat and a growing little baby.

Tim and I can't make up our minds if we want to find out the gender, so in a few weeks we will flip a coin and find out based on that. Heads we wait and tails we find out. A part of me still really wants to surprise him. But I also  don't know that I want to find out without him. So I will keep pondering and decide closer to. I have some time still.

Not a whole lot going on this week. My clothes still fit but my boobs are definitely getting bigger and more sore. Oh and my underwear is all getting too small. Seriously? Of all things to grow first, my butt? Guess I will be getting some more unders to get through this pregnancy. Its a bummer, I already have SO MANY pairs in my drawers.

8 Things

8 things I'm looking forward to...
1. First ultrasound tomorrow and seeing the HB
2. Feeling baby kick
3. My son potty training
4. My week long Yosemite trip
5. Eating out with a friend tonight
6. A massage - need one so bad
7. Hubby returning from deployment
8. Being done with progesterone shots - 3 more weeks.

8 things I did yesterday...
1. Swam
2. Picnic lunch
3. Talked to my momma
4. Satisfied cravings
5. showered
6. Made time to snuggle my pups
7. Made a grocery list
8. Cleaned up som

8 things I wish I could do...
1. Sleep
2. Nap - if I do I won't go to bed till after 2am
3. keep patience more
4. Create a book of photos
5. Take an African Safari
6. Tour Europe
7. Be a better housekeeper
8. Get into exercising more

8 shows I am currently watching...
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Big Brother
3. The Challange
4. Switched at Birth
5. The Fosters
6. Major Crimes
7. Franklin and Bash
8. Suits

Long Day

No nap days are really long days. Its wasn't as bad as it could've been, but it was a rough day. First we went swimming at a friends moms, then I hoped he would fall asleep driving so he could nap at her house. He did fall asleep but it was an unsucessful transfer to a bed. What a bummer. We had to elave by 3:30 because he was just too cranky. He didn't fall asleep right away in the car and only slept at most 20 minutes on the way home. And woke as soon as I unbuckled him.

So we had some dinner at which he chose to only eat the chicken, and later had some ice cream. No biggie. But he was cranky. I even let him play in the bath for some downtime. Its now 7:30 and he is in bed hopefully to be down for the night. He fought it a little more then usual. But he is over tired as well as it being a little earlier then his usual bed time. No biggie though, he hasn't gotten out of bed yet.

I have a lot to do, just wish I had the energy to do it.

Cravings win again

Last night I was able to get a good nights sleep - thanks to Leiland. He wanted to sleep in my bed, so I just went to bed early and got about 10 hours. So today I had no nausea. But I desperately need to grocery shop, so we don't have much food. I have been craving olive garden (that all I craved with Ruth) and then remembed a pasta dish we had a pizza hut. Creamy Chicken Alfredo. Tim and I ordered it one day about a month or so ago. It was surprisingly good. I order a family size which feeds 4. I figure some leftovers is a good idea. Dinner tomorrow? Sure works for me. So here it is almost 10pm and I just ordered food. I am already tired, but thats ok.

Morning sickness

Today was a day where morning sickness didn't start my day but it lasted all day long. I woke fine and on the drive to a breastfeeding big latch on (I was photographing) I ate some rice cakes. I was only slightly nauseous till I had to get out of the car. Then as the day progressed it just got worse and worse. After that event we went to a birthday party. It was outside and Leiland had a blast. I kept drinking water and when pizza arrived just the sight made me gag. The weird part was I ate 3 pieces and was fine. Sitting outside in the heat I was just barely making it through being nauseous. Once we got in the car I was worried to drive home. I just felt it in my through. After we got home, Leiland took a nap, and I laid down too. I slept about an hour and a half and woke still nauseous but now with a headache. Nothing sounds good for dinner so I made Leiland scrambled eggs and a frozen gogurt for dinner. We took a walk and I was ok then, but now back at home I feel nauseous again.

Oh the joys.

But I will take it. I actually feel pregnant today, and I am cool with that.

Milk already?

The other day I noticed it in the shower and today I see drops on my bra. With Leiland I started getting milk at 16 weeks. 6 weeks seems crazy early to me. Interesting.

6 Weeks

YAY for today being 6 weeks. Overall I have been feeling good, more nausea as the days go on. Nothing crazy though. Last night was my first crazy craving. What is it about being hopped up on pregnancy hormones that makes resisting an urge so intensely impossible? Either way baby and I enjoyed some bacon. Delicious.

I haven't gained any weight yet, but I have noticed that sometimes it hurts when I am sitting from the pressure of my shorts. Not horrible but last night I did unbutton for comfort.

My progesterone shots are coming along, but they are getting harder and harder. I am so numb in my rear and full on knots. Not many places left for new shots. The hardest part is breaking the skin with the needle since I can't pinch the skin when sticking it in. But they are getting done, every night. I haven't been as good about taking my vitamins the past week or so though. I need to get better at it. I feel guilty every time I miss one.

I've been noticing that my uterus is becoming more hard/ larger and I am starting to be able to feel it more.

So nothing too much happening over here. Nausea and can't eat eggs. Milk is still bothering my belly and thats no fun. I want my ability to eat dairy back again. And I have needed my glasses more often.

First craving

I did it.

I fell victim to my first pregnancy craving. And I gave in. 

Tonight out of nowhere I could think of nothing other than bacon. Seriously bacon. I don't eat much bacon except on occasion when I eat breakfast out. I've only cooked one pack of bacon since we've moved here. And I've enjoyed it. 

So today I craved bacon. And man was it delicious. I've always loved salty foods. Been eating a lot of pretzel crisps too. 

Wonder where this is going.

Already?

I know with pregnancy its common for your eyes to change. With Leilands they actually got better, and it lasted long into nursing. I was loving it. No more glasses, and very little issues.

Lately I have noticed though that my eyes are getting worse, and fast. Today I couldn't read pinterest on my phone, and I have been struggling for almost a week to thread the needle of my sewing machine.

Its not a huge deal since I have my old glasses, but I don't think they are quite the right prescription for my current adjusted eyes.

Just another adjustment I suppose. I will take it.

Gender Feelings

I haven't had any feelings yet on what we're having but today I had this "feeling" it's a boy. And as much as I want a girl I'm surprised that the thought of another boy doesn't sadden me. I love raising my little man and for him to have a brother would be pretty awesome too.

Pregnancy announcement and gender reveal ideas

Trying to not lose track of my thoughts.

Announcement:
The rumors are true - it's time for baby #2
Juice it up cups in multiple sizes
Leiland with chalkboard announcing
Leiland with ultrasound picture
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...oh what fun it is to say "a baby's on the way!


Gender reveal:
Photoshoot with pink or blue balloon coming out of a box
Send Tim a box of balloons pink and blue, make him pop them to reveal the gender.
Send Trevor a banner or something to announce the gender
Send Tim cake in a jar, pink or blue
Send Tim a compilation video of Leiland, and at the end have him announce gender

5 weeks pregnant

Today is 5 weeks pregnant. I have known for about 10 days now. It feels like longer, yet it all feels so slow at the same time. Leiland has been off lately and I think he is getting molars, so I have just been trying to get by. I was having slight nausea off and on through the day, but that seems to mostly be gone now. I'm slightly more tired then usual, and my boobs have a tinge or soreness, but its not even close to bad. I'm still really nervous. I can't make that feeling go away. I feel like this pregnancy is going to be ok, but then I am still nervous all the time.

I told Leiland there was a baby in my belly. He asks to hold it, and calls it his baby. Its so stinkin cute. Then today he started saying there was a baby in his belly. One silly boy he is.

Feeling Pregnant

So today I began feeling pregnant. I made eggs for breakfast and like all my other pregnancies they just didn't taste right. Even made me gag. This has made me feel more pregnant than the sore boobs and slight nausea I've been having. But considering I'm not even 5 weeks along its understandable.

Beta #2

Got yesterdays beta results (yesterday) and my number was 127. The nurse said that was a good number. So I have an ultrasound scheduled for August 9th. Im still nervous, but trying to not worry too much.

Beta #1 Restults

My HCG today was 53.

Not going to lie, I am NERVOUS. Its not a great number, but its not as bad as last time either. It was 8 last time. But I am worried and nervous.

Ruth Beta
12 DPO - 29
15 DPO - 114

Leiland Beta
13 DPO - 147
16 DPO - 395

IVF #3
8

IVF #4
13 DPO - 53

Crochet Bear Hat

Today during Leiland's nap, I decided to crochet a little bear hat for the baby. I know its SO super early, but the yarn was just sitting there, so I gave it a go.

Look how cute???

 I used this pattern...
http://www.pacountrycrafts.blogspot.com/2013/04/crochet-bear-hat-pattern.html

The only change I would make, is to so a single crochet around the bottom instead of a slip stitch. The slip stitch doesn't leave much room to stretch.

6dp5dt Pregnancy test "11 dpo"

Today test, darker than yesterday - this makes me hopeful.

Oh the 2ww (two week wait)

The joys of the 2ww are torturous. If you have even gone through trying to conceive you understand the torments of the 2ww. Infertility makes it so much worse. And us doing IVF? EVER worse. How is that possible? Simple. I KNOW there are two embryos inside me. I am closer to pregnant than I have been in all those years of 2ww's. Because I actually know there is a REAL possibility of it. So the other day when I

 - got nauseous from drinking mountain dew, I question if I am pregnant.
 - got nauseous again from eating, I question if I am pregnant.
 - felt a sore boob, I questioned if I am pregnant. (and poked and proded the rest of the night)
 - contemplated making a sandwich and a pickle sounded delicious. I question if I am pregnant.
 - bake cookies and smell nothing but the walnuts, I question if I am pregnant.

All I do is ponder, guess, and daydream about the possibilities.

Ah, the 2ww. Thankfully it isn't truly 2 weeks to wait. From transfer to my first HCG Beta its only 8 days. I do think I just MIGHT have to POAS on Sunday, and that would be 10 DPO or 5dp5dt.

Post Transfer - IVF #4

So yesterday everything went great. We arrived a little too early but it worked out because I got to pee before the procedure. I am always WAY too full. So I went to the bathroom and was able to refill my bladder before going it. And I still had to go terribly bad when finished. It also gave Tim and I some time to hang out and relax. I haven't been able to spend that many hours one on one with Tim is a VERY long time. We dropped Leiland off at 8:45 and when we picked him up he passed on right away in the car, and slept till 5pm. So I had the better part of the day with just the two of us.

Shortly after arriving the embryologist came in to tell us the 2 blasts they thawed survived the thaw but we both still compacted. She said they could take anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours to expand, but it wasn't a bad thing necessarily. So we had 2 - 1 Grade 1 and one Grade 2 to put in. We walked into the procedure room and checked to be sure my bladder was full enough. It was full enough to flatten my uterus. So we were good. The embryologist came in again to give a little more info. While in I asked her opinion on if it was better to do a 5dt with frozen over 3dt. Last time we thawed 4 3 day embryos and 2 didn't advance, the other two were not great quality. She explained that if they freeze on day 5 they tend to thaw better, and survive better. Because some froze on day 3 may not make it to day 5 if they were going to freeze them or transfer them, so the 5 days were stronger if they made it. This worried Tim. He took it as that means they are more likely to survive in me and more likely to produce twins. And that might be the case. I will welcome it with open arms if thats the case. We shall see.

Once home yesterday I did pretty good resting, and Tim was really helpful with Leiland. Today Tim is out of town. Its only 9:30 and I feel like I have already done too much. But I have a child - alive and breathing - I have to tend to him. I have a friend coming over for a few hours to help, so that should be good.

As far as how I feel, just cramping a light - medium amount. Nothing crazy, but praying for some sticky embryos.

Off to rest and relax a little more.

And the picture fromt he transfer

IVF #4 Update

I really suck at blogging lately. So anyway this is an update all in one fell swoop.

June 14 - period started

June 18 - saw RE and started estrogen patches every 3 days. 

June 26 - ultrasound shows a mass in uterus about 34mm

June 29 - MRI 

July 2 - dr office calls to schedule ultrasound for Wednesday. 

July 3 - ultrasound looks good

July 9 - transfer day - planning for 2 embryos

So today is the 8th. Tomorrow is the transfer. Life has been crazy. 

The mass was a huge issue. It was thought to be a fibroid or adenoma. The MRI showed its an adenoma. I don't know much about it other than there is nothing we can do to get rid of it. So we proceed on. Had it been a fibroid it would have needed surgery and 3 months recovery before beginning ivf again. So onward. 

Finding a sitter for tomorrow was tough. It really is terrible not having anyone I can rely on for things like this when I just can not take him with me. But I found someone it's just not someone he knows well. I think he will do ok though. 

So yes on to two more embryos going in. Praying they thaw ok and are good quality. They will be using 5day embryos from Leilands fresh cycle. We lost 4 in the last cycle (2 in thaw) so just praying things go better this time. 

Before the issue with having a mass I wasn't as worried it wouldn't work but more worried about another loss. Every cycle has taken just not always a healthy baby. So now with the mass I'm terrified of it not even taking. So I'm praying hard. 

I'm still very nervous about another possible issue with another loss but I'm trying not to discus too far ahead right now. 

First beta is scheduled for the 17th. 

Stick babies.


U/S from the mass found on 6/26

IVF #4 starting

So ivf #4 is in the works. My period started today and Tuesday I see the RE. I'm so excited about it all. 

IVF #4 coming soon

Im currently on CD 17 and next cycle is due June 18th. And they we begin our IVF #4 (2nd FET). I am SO excited but so nervous all at once. The last FET in October ended in a miscarriage over Thanksgiving. It was a super crazy time with Leiland breaking his arm (the day we found out I lost the baby), and we had just moved to Maryland. Now we are back in California (Thank you - close to my dr) and I am ready. I am more than ready.

It took me a REALLY long time to feel ready to have another baby. I can honestly say when we did the last FET I was more ready to be pregnant than to have another baby, but now I am SO ready for both. I constantly dream about what it will be like to be pregnant again. Give birth again. To hold and smell another new little one. And to nurse - oh how I can't wait to nurse another little guy. I miss that with Leiland. But I am ready. I can't wait to make Leiland a big brother. He loves kids, and babies. He will be great at it.

If all goes as planned - we will be due around March 17th. I think its good because it isn't too close to Leilands birthday. We originally were going to do the end of July for the transfer, but then I would be due RIGHT before Leilands birthday, and I just wanted a little spacing. It will be a couple months before he turns 3 and I think that is good. I would love if he could get potty trained before another baby comes along, but right now he just isn't ready.

SO March. CRAZY. I will be 29, so will Tim. I am starting to feel older. I wonder how a couple years older will affect being pregnant. I felt great with Leiland, but lets be honest, I still haven't lost any weight in a long time. I want to be more active this time around, and with Leiland I find it easier to do.

So yeah thats the start. Praying for a sticky bean and a healthy one. We want this so bad right now.

Potty Training

For a while leiland would go pee on the potty. He would run and go a couple diaper changes a day. When we went to Michigan for three weeks he refused to even try. When we got home he no longer had an interest in sitting on the potty. I'll be honest I was bummed. Then that next week we found out we were moving. I wasn't going to push it anymore and the potty was packed up.

Shortly before moving he started getting a rash and he still has it. It's been a month but we finally have it under control. But in the meantime he fights me so bad about sitting on the potty. He screams no and pushes away. 

So today I was stuck home and thought we'd give it a try. First pee was in his diaper. Second pee in the shower. Then we put underpants on and went downstairs. Every 20 minutes he'd attempt. I croaked him on first with a sucker but he refused to sit. So undies back on and try again in 20. This time I had him sit while I got m&m's. he waited then didn't want to sit anymore. So a little bit later we tried again with candy incentive but still no pee. Shortly after he had an accident. Bummer. So I put a diaper on him, fed him lunch, and took him for a nap. He woke up dry. So we went right to the potty while I got m&m's. he did it he went pee. 

I made a huge deal out of it cheering and jumping. I gave him the sucker he worked hard for and put clean undies on. He helped me pour the pee and flush. I still have the timer set for 20 minutes and we will try again. Hopefully he gets the hang of knowing when it's coming. 

I'm so proud of him. And he looks so stinking cute in his little undies.

Poor Rash

Leilands bum rash got worse again. He is so itchy. So not much potty training happening right now. But when he wants a candy he is willing to sit for a bit.

Potty Day 2

So yesterday I could see leiland needed to poo. So I sat him down and he tried but wanted up. So I pulled over his rocking chair for him to play a toy. He usually poops standing so he tried standing while pushing and yelling no. I felt bad for him. He kept hugging me so he could push. Finally with another push he pooped and peed. He squealed all done and stood up. Yay leiland. So he got to pick a special treat and he wanted chips. So we flushed and washed the potty. Later he had another accident and another pee in the potty.

This morning he woke up pretty wet but we went right on the potty and he got his m&m's. nothing. So then a little later he stood beside the potty holding himself asking for m's. I rushed to help him and he went pee. 

I had to leave to a dr appt and he stayed with daddy. He peed once then had two accidents. I tried before lunch and he refused to sit. I tried before nap and he freaked out. He woke dry and refused to sit. Crying, yelling no, and pushing away. So I let it be. He peed in his diaper. Just now he was about to poop so I went to put him on the pity and he had a meltdown till his shorts were back on. I'm pretty torn. How hard do I push? Do I let today go and try fresh in the morning?

I don't know. . .

I have been a TERRIBLE slacker at my blogging lately. I did make a facebook group so that when Leiland does or says something I can write it down quickly. I can search for things in there, and they are date stamped. So I will put a few of those things in here, its just a matter of having the time.

A little over a month ago we drove to Georgia to see Tims family. We had a blast too. Leiland was so good with Tims cousins and happy to see all the family. Two weeks ago we met my Laura, Jim, James, Kayla, and Anna in Pittsburgh. It was just a weekend and we brought Anna home with us. So she has been here for two weeks and in a week I will head to Michigan with her to return her. The plan started because I am going to Michigan for her 13th birthday. I'm really excited too. I was just home in July when Kayla was born, and my family hasn't seen her since then.

Leiland has been talking a lot more lately, and starting to repeat us if we say "Leiland can you say_____?". He is also been a lot more physical. He can jump now, has been climbing more, trying to balance on everything, and just stepped his dare-devilness up a notch.

He will be 22 months in just 10 days. Its crazy. I can't believe he is almost 2 already. This past year has been flying by for me. I am amazed by him on a daily basis, and I am still astonished as how my love for him has grown. Its hard to imagine feeling this way for another child.

Lately we have started to go pee on the potty. There was even a day he got a tiny drop of poop in the potty. Leiland also washes his hands using a step stool in the bathroom when done. He brushes his own teeth, is beginning to help clean up toys, and is starting to understand feelings more. He loves playing puzzles, and throwing balls, jumping on the dogs, and reading books. His favorite book right now is Dinosaur Roar, and we have to read it EVERY NIGHT. Sometimes its the only book he will let me read. Favorite puzzles include this firetruck one, and this shape one. This little farm is another top favorite to play with.

Leiland still LOVES Elmo, but is really into Mickey, Minnie, and Little Einsteins. He doesn't watch Elmo, but likes to watch Mickey. We are starting to learn letters and trying to count, but he isn't too interested. He knows a few colors although when you ask him, everything is orange. But when we are out and about he will call out things that are Orange, Red, and Blue. Working on it.

And just a few random pictures because its been forever, soon I will find time to post more.

 

 

 First snowman - he kept eating the peas for the eyes

 Last visit to the DC Childrens National for his broken elbow

Happy Valentines Day - He picked up his own cards - puppies and kitties of course

We love bath tablets for fun bath colors

Thats it for now, Ill try to be better at posting.

Sleep Issues, again

So first we moved and sleep was disturbed.
I worked with Leiland and got him sleeping again.
Then he broke his arm and sleep was disturbed again.
Once the cast was off we got close to back to normal.
Then we went to Georgia for 10 days and sleep got all out of whack again.

Last night I was determined to get back to normal. Leiland only wanted downstairs or to rock to sleep. As much as I love rocking him to sleep, he sleeps better when he puts himself to bed. He was tired last night so we did our usual routine. Dinner, bath, teeth, Jammie's, books, songs, then bed. He cried instantly. I left him for a few minutes and he just cried. I went in and rocked him a little then put him back to bed, big cries again. I rocked him once more till close to sleep and he freaked as soon as I laid him down again. I tried rubbing his back and he fraught me so I stepped out again. He finally calmed and went to sleep. But he woke up around 4 I think and I rocked him. we slept in the chair with him tossing off and on never filling getting into a deep sleep till 730.

Today we were gone till nap and he had fallen asleep in the car and woke when I tried to transfer him. He then was cranky on such little sleep. Early bedtime didn't happen so he went right to bed. Tonight however he laid right down and went to sleep. I'm praying this means we are going back to sleeping better again.

Another Bloggers Post

http://alameda.patch.com/blog_posts/please-dont-help-my-kids

Please Don't Help My Kids

Dear Other Parents At The Park:
Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you've just heard me tell them I wasn't going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.

They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.

It is not my job — and it is certainly not yours — to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.

If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.

 It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.

I don't want my daughters to learn that they can't overcome obstacles without help. I don't want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don't want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that's holding them back and *earn* it.

Because — and this might come as a surprise to you — none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success.

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions.

I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.

I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.

Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.

So I'll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, "BE CAREFUL," and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.

Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather help them learn the skills they'll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, "I think I can, I think I can", and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I'm much too far away.